I haven't blogged in the last two weeks because I have been on a roller coaster, physically and emotionally. The weekend of the Olympic Trials I was very excited to watch the race on television, but a few days before that I came down with a stomach virus that was horrible! I want to spare you the gory details and everything but, it was NASTY! That being said I had very little energy to work out or run. So I kind of fell into a funk about myself. The inner voices in my head are not being kind to me right now. They keep telling me how "fat and lazy" I am.
At the same time too, work and my home life has been super demanding. I was so sick two Fridays ago but, I had no choice but to go to work. I was taking the following Friday off from work to prepare for my son's 1st birthday. On that front I feel so grateful to have my husband and my beautiful baby boy.
But right now I don't feel that I am taking very good care of myself. Most of my meals are either standing up for breakfast and dinner while I have my son in his highchair. My lunches aren't much better sitting in front of my computer at work.
How do I reward myself for working so hard? By drinking beer and wine of course! I know it's one of the big factors of me hating my body so much right now.....
Well I finally decided to do something concrete about it. I'm signing up for Weight Watchers this week. I discovered that they have a weekly meeting at a church less than a half mile from my home. I need to be accountable to someone other than myself right now. Because I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle of mommy guilt, self loathing, and indulging just because.
I think I have always had a little bit of body dysmorphia. When I was younger and a size 5, I was still pretty hard on myself.
I think what is motivating me the most right now is my running. I fell like I am still getting faster, but I know carrying all of this extra weight is just making me less efficient. I definitely took for granted how fast I used to be.